Sep 21, 2023
On the heel of every ending is a new beginning.
I’m still processing the month of March. So much change happened for me in March. I’m surprised I don’t have whiplash. March’s most prominent theme was letting go. And in doing so, being open to new beginnings. I officially quit teaching, I sold the house I owned with my mom, I rehomed my dog, got rid of 95% of my possessions, and decided to leave Canada…indefinitely. Most women would get bangs. But I am not like most women.
I had a dream a few nights ago where a woman explained to me that what we welcome into our lives is in direct proportion to what we let go. If we want to receive big things, we need to let go of big things. You can’t relinquish your favourite pencil and ask the Universe to replace it with a new car, no matter how much you love that pencil. The woman told me it was essential to know that. She told me to reassure me that I was doing the right thing. Giving up all these Ego attachments was easy in the moment, but when I was in bed at night, the doubt crept in. I wondered if I was crazy. My family and friends seemed to think so. I had undergone so many changes quickly that I was giving my friends and family whiplash, too.
My decision to leave Canada was hard for friends and family to accept. Their reactions were predominantly shock, sadness and concern. Very few family members were genuinely happy and excited. They couldn’t understand why I had been making so many changes. And many made my decisions about them, judging them through the lens of their lives. Truthfully, it was why I delayed telling friends about the decision. Because I knew it would be similar to what my family thought. And what was meant to be an exciting new chapter in my life was becoming the opposite.
If I didn’t have a solid foundation of self-love, I would’ve crumbled months ago. The dreams I held for myself would’ve been pushed aside in favour of keeping the peace as I had done for 30 years. I had to constantly remind myself that what I want matters. I had to remind myself that my freedom is priceless and worth fighting for.
Whether you’re trying to free yourself from attachments or commitments, never stop fighting for your freedom. If you have changed your mind, it is ok. Promises and commitments are no longer genuine or honourable when you’re unhappy daily. There is this myth that because you made a promise, you must honour it forever. No, you do not. You honour that promise until it is no longer what you want. You made the commitment for love and it is with love that you can end them. Love does not only exist within new beginnings. It can exist in endings, too.
Since change is the only constant, why do we even have promises? The person you were when you made the promise will change. What you want will change. Your circumstances will change. And when that change comes, the most self-loving- and loving – thing you can do for everyone involved is be honest and stand up for your truth.
We teach children it is ok to make a mistake. Why can’t it be ok for adults to say, “I’m sorry, but I made a mistake in promising you something.”?
I rehomed the dog I loved so much so that I could live how I truly wanted. I couldn’t back down now just because people were upset. Instead, I would use this opportunity by dreaming of a BIG new beginning. Early April came, and when the sadness of losing my dog was no longer crippling, I started to think about where I wanted to live first. It wasn’t so easy. I got so overwhelmed with choices. And when I tried to listen to my intuition about where to go, she was drowned out by frustration and anxiety. So, I shut my laptop and stopped the search. I felt quite alone. No one to support me or even be excited for me.
Because I’ve been practicing self-love for months, I didn’t stay in the victim mentality for too long. It was understandable that I would feel overwhelmed and frustrated while looking for my first temporary home somewhere in the world. But the person who needs to support or be excited for me, first and foremost, is me.
How can anybody be supportive or excited for us if we aren’t those things for ourselves?
When you’re on the path to living your most authentic life, you will be alone for large parts of it. You will make decisions that make no sense to anyone, break promises and commitments that no longer serve your soul, and lose people that were once a part of your life. And if you are a big people-pleaser like me, that can induce lots of doubt and fear. But when you practice self-love, you will remember that YOU have your own back. That YOU love yourself and are excited about new adventures. That YOU will never abandon yourself. And because you’ve been saying similar things daily, through the highs and lows, the losses aren’t as crippling as they once were.
This is the power of self-love. You finally become acutely aware that what you want matters. And you become brave and determined to fight for it. The minute you notice old patterns creeping up, you may fall back into them but won’t stay there long because you realize that your happiness no longer depends on others. Neither does acceptance. Nor support. You are not responsible for how people deal with your life’s endings and new beginnings. It was never your responsibility anyways. All you can control is you.
I wish that when I was a child, someone told me repeatedly that it was not my responsibility to make my family happy. And that every time they saw me play small instead of dream big, they would remind me of that. I wish I had seen my parents fight for their happiness when I was a child. Because then I wouldn’t be fighting for mine now. I would’ve grown up living big instead of being too scared even to dream big.
The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of its parents.
Carl Jung
Whether you have kids or are old or young, your life is just as important as everyone else’s. Your dreams are just as important. Actually, they come before everyone else’s. Because it is your life that you are living, not someone else’s. So don’t be afraid to fight for whatever change your soul tells you to make. After all, your soul only wants what’s best for you. But your soul needs you to be brave and take action. Easier said than done, I know. But I’ve made many changes, and I’m still standing. My life in Canada has ended, and on the heels of it, my new beginning abroad is starting. I’m moving to France in a few days and couldn’t be happier.
